I am Dirt

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. - Genesis 2:7

Exactly four weeks ago, we welcomed our beautiful baby boy, Bennett Eugene, into this world! He was born January 5, 2013 at 10:47 am; 6 lb, 14 oz, and 19.5 inches. Things have been crazy since then and it took me a good 2-3 weeks before I actually started feeling human again. The experience of bringing him into this world was hard, exhausting, and beautiful... and has taken me a while to figure out how to put it into words.

 

Looking at my little man today, I am just amazed at this mini human body that the Lord created. I mean, this little person was formed inside of me! His big blue/gray eyes, cute button nose, organs, and fragile little skeleton all woven together in my womb. He is just perfect. I learned in one of my classes yesterday that an embryo's central nervous system begins forming at just two weeks! The heart starts beating at four weeks. All this before most people even find out they are pregnant! Wow.

This miracle of life caused me to look back into the book of Genesis at the very first creation of man. The Lord took some lucky dirt and formed it into a person just as he used my body to create our little Bennett. Perhaps it was an uncomfortable experience for that dirt, but the ending result was life. Though it hurt like hell to finally get him here, the Lord used my womb to mold a new human into being. Like that dirt that was there the day God breathed life into the first man, I bore witness to (and very actively participated in) a new human being breathing his first breath in this world. I have to say, that moment, that first gurgled breath and cry, made all the hours of painful contractions worth it. When they placed that screaming baby, MY screaming baby, into my arms there was this overwhelming sense of joy, relief, and something I can only describe as reverence; as if I had just been a part of something sacred. As sacred as the day Adam took his first breath. You mamas out there know what I am talking about...

My labor lasted approximately 13 hours, though I'm not exactly sure. I went in because my blood pressure was high and I was having stomach cramps. It turns out I was also having very slight contractions every two minutes, lasting about a minute. I was glad that my doctor was there that weekend. I had the choice to go home or have her break my water. I was nervous about going home, an hour away, and then having to make that drive again later in labor. So... I had her break my water. Three hours later, I wasn't dilated enough so they gave me what I was absolutely dreading... pitocin. It made contractions hurt like a *bleep* but I did dilate faster. I finally had to break down and ask for something, anything less than an epidural. They gave me half a dose of a pain medication and, honestly, it didn't do jack! I have never been in so much pain in my life. The only way I could describe it was, "Oh my Lord, I'm dying!" I knew I wasn't, but holy ouch. I wanted to go as natural as possible, but with the pitocin, I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it through to the end. Now I know why people go for the epidural and even the scheduled c-section.

Now that I have made it through the experience and I am finally holding my son in my arms, minus the fact that I broke down and asked for a pain med, I am so proud of myself. I feel like I have this connection with billions of women who have gone before me. Corny, I know, but I'm looking at it from an anthropologist's perspective here.

I couldn't have done it without my mom, who stayed awake and by my side through the whole night (the doc broke my water just after midnight and he wasn't born until 10:47 am). My husband may have taken a nap somewhere in there, but really, what could he do? Having him there and holding my hand (and leg) as Bennett was being born was an experience we shared that just can't be duplicated. We are a closer family because of it. I was nervous and a bit embarrassed, but he has touched my heart so much with the way he has taken care of me. The way he looks into our son's eyes and tells him how much he loves him just makes me melt. I love our little family.

I went in with so much confidence in my high tolerance for pain, but ended up broken before he was finally here. I cried. I chanted, "ow, ow, ow, ow" - something I wanted to avoid. I complained and got frustrated with myself a lot more than I thought I would. And yes, I got frustrated with my mom and the nurse who tried to tell me I wasn't breathing right. No method of breathing made it hurt any less, ladies! I thank everyone for their support, but ultimately, it was an ordeal I had to go through myself... and gosh darnit, I did it!

Although it seems like forever ago now, Jeff's dad, sister, and her husband came to visit for Christmas. We had a great time with great company. New Year's was uneventful. I wasn't feeling well and my blood pressure was high so Jeff went to a party without me, but came home to be with me at midnight. :) I am glad Bennett came a little early because I was quite bored, not having been at work since December 5, exactly a month before his birthday. Also, a huge thanks to so many of our church family members who have brought us meals these past few weeks. They have been delicious and such a blessing for a sore new mama who couldn't make it out to the store for a while. I'm so excited to be a new mommy and Bennett is already such an adorable blessing to us. I never knew my heart could be so full...

For You formed my inward parts;You covered me in my mother's womb.I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;- Psalm 139: 13-14